Don’t Shoot Twice: The Damage We Do to Ourselves

“If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself… would you still be friends?”

 It’s a question I often ask clients. And more often than not, it’s met with silence. The kind that comes when truth lands. Because for many of us, our harshest critic isn’t out there. It’s inside our own head. I was reminded of this recently when a powerful parable from Buddhist psychology landed in my inbox. It struck a chord, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

 The Parable of the Second Arrow

 The Buddha once posed a question to his students:

“If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?”
Yes, of course, they replied.
“And if that same person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?”
Again, yes.

 He went on to explain: the first arrow is the inevitable pain of life. A mistake. A loss. A rejection.
The second arrow is what we do in response. The shame. The self-criticism. The overthinking and rumination. And unlike the first, the second arrow is optional.

The Wound After the Wound

 Think about how often we all do this:

•  We make a mistake and replay it over and over, punishing ourselves.

• We feel sad and then feel weak for feeling sad.

• We get rejected and spiral into self-doubt, as if the pain wasn’t enough.

 That’s the second arrow. It’s the emotional bruising we add on top of an already difficult moment. And over time, it does more damage than the original event.

 I know this pattern well. I’ve fallen into it more than once. For me, it often sounds like: “I should have known better… Why did I do that? Now what will they being thinking of me!” It’s not just regret. It’s a spiral. A replaying of events with a soundtrack of imagined judgement. And the truth is, it never helps. It just keeps me stuck.

 But I’ve learned, and I keep learning, to interrupt it. Not by pretending it didn’t matter. But by refusing to deepen the wound. By catching the second arrow before I reach for the bow.

 Catch It. Challenge It. Change It.

 One of the most practical tools I share with clients is this simple three-part process. It's not magic, but it builds awareness. And that’s where real growth begins.

 Catch it – Notice when you’re spiralling.

“I’m replaying that meeting in my head again. I’m stuck in overdrive.”

 Challenge it – Question the thought.

Ask yourself:
“Is this true?”
“Is this helpful?”
“Would I speak to a friend like this?”

The last question usually stops people in their tracks. Because most of us are far more compassionate to others than we are to ourselves.

 Change it – Shift the narrative.

“I made a mistake. I can own it without losing all perspective.”
“I feel disappointed, and that’s OK. It means I care.”
“It didn’t go how I hoped, what have I learned?”

Reflection, Not Rumination

It’s important to say this. Reviewing and reflecting on a situation is healthy. I encourage it with clients all the time, up to a point. The key is not to let reflection turn into rumination.

Set a limit. I often suggest give yourself ten minutes. Ten minutes to ask, “What actually happened?”, “What did I learn?”, and “What will I do differently next time?” Write it down if it helps. Take the learning. Then let it go.

Wallowing doesn’t serve you. Over-analysis rarely offers new insight. Beating yourself up isn’t the price of growth. Noticing and adjusting is.

 A Pause Between the Arrows

 The real skill in life isn’t about avoiding pain. It’s about noticing when the second arrow is coming and putting the bow down.

 Pain is part of being human. But the suffering we pile on top? That’s where we have choice.

So next time you feel the sting. Whether it’s a difficult conversation, a setback, or a pang of doubt. Take a breath.

 Ask yourself: “Is this the first arrow… or am I making it worse?”

You always have a choice.
You don’t have to shoot twice.